All images via Primal Hardwere
Recently, while on the internet looking at weird sex things, I came upon the gushing testimony of a young woman who had just discovered Primal Hardwere‘s patented Ovipositor; one of the most unusual and confronting sex toys I’ve ever heard of. The Ovipositor is basically a big dildo that lays goopy eggs molded from gelatin in the body cavity of your choice. Fans of the Ovipositor say that the sensation of mushy extraterrestrial ovum slopping back out of them is a real treat.
The owner of Primal Hardwere is a man who insisted I refer to him only as LoneWolf. A Native American of indeterminate age, he apparently worked as a builder, fast food dude, fashion model, church organist, butcher, and pursued veterinary medicine at the University of New Hampshire before deciding: I want to make enormous egg-laying alien dicks.
VICE: Hey, Lone Wolf. Most readers probably aren’t familiar with how ovipositors function. How do you explain them to people?
Lone Wolf: The idea is to replicate the act of being impregnated with eggs. Usually from an alien or insect. If you’ve seen the Aliens movies, you’ll get the picture. Many people find this sort of thing very arousing. The toys are simply phallic-shaped hollow tubes that can be used to insert gelatin eggs into oneself. There is a funnel-shaped hole in the bottom to receive the eggs, which are inserted one by one, forcing them up the tube and out the top.
The Ovipositor replicates the feeling of being impregnated with eggs.
How did you get involved in all this stuff?
I had tried everything else: I had owned a restaurant and managed many other businesses and had many successes. However, in all of my jobs I would work my way up to the top only to find a wall waiting for me there. I’m ambitious, and though I don’t consider myself greedy, I always wanted to push myself for more independence and freedom to do the things I wanted to do.
And freedom is helping people insert eggs into themselves for sexual gratification?
Let’s face it, there are three things that will always sell: Food, death, and sex. I tried food service and decided after managing three restaurants and owning one that it was the same thing, day in and day out, and it didn’t look like that was going to change much. Death didn’t really interest me. I wanted something more fun. Something that breaks the monotony of people’s days and makes them spit out their coffee when you tell them what you do.
I think you’ve comfortably managed that.
I wanted to push the boundaries of people’s comfort levels, make them question their own erections and wet panties, and let them know their fantasies do not have to go unrealized.