NASA – the criminally underfunded agency that was put in place to sort of recklessly shoot people, dogs, and some monkeys off of the planet strapped to giant explosives, and into the dark reaches of the cosmos. Such a beautiful concept.
Since its inception, NASA has proven to be the very pinnacle of elite science, and as such chooses only the best samples from the human species to experience the wonders that space travel has to offer.
Seriously, is anyone else bitter that they’re not among that elite? It keeps us up at night on a regular basis.
So when NASA astronauts come out of the woodwork and make claims, revelations, and confessions they tend to be treated quite seriously. There’s a certain credibility to those claims that no-one else has.
Even if those claims include Lionel Richie suggesting on British daytime television that his good friend Buzz Lightyear (might have been Aldrin, we don’t hear so well these days) has confessed to him about extraterrestrial experiences, we sit up and listen.
Or sit up and head to the message boards.
Yep, most of these confessions are in some way related to the presence of aliens among us, but there are also some surprising revelations completely unconnected to little green men and their obsession with our human anuses.
Let’s kick off with Lionel Richie’s best friend.
You know how it is, you’re coming back from your vacation, you’ve been prodded and probed by the TSA, spent hours in a cramped cylinder, and then some jerk wants to check your luggage for customs purposes…and moon rocks.
That’s right, not satisfied that Buzz Aldrin was the 2nd man to step on the surface of the giant rock that hovers precariously over our heads affecting our tides and sanity, the US government had him fill out a customs form upon his return.
The forms, posted by Dance-Master Aldrin (official title) on twitter in 2015, show that he had to declare to Uncle Sam that he was returning to earth with “moon dust” and “moon rocks”. These days we’re more sophisticated, of course, and rather than declaring it to customs, people returning from vacation with rocks and dust just put them in condoms and keister them.
Aldrin got his own back, though, and put in an expenses claim for $33. Popular belief is this was for a car rental, but we’d like to think it was for tang and ladies of the night.
19.BOOT FULL OF PEE
Buzz Aldrin can claim some amazing feats. Primary among them is convincing people to call him “Buzz” instead of “Edwin”. Kudos. That’s like convincing your friends to call you “Ninjashark” instead of “Norman”.
Aldrin has often boasted that while Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, he was the first to pee on it. Well now, we all assumed this was a nice, sanitary urination into some kind of colostomy bag – but with a more NASA name…cosmic pee sack?
Turns out, because Armstrong’s landing was a little too good and failed to crumple the legs of the module as expected, he and Aldrin had to jump from a larger height than planned for. As a result, Aldrin’s pee tube disconnected from it’s housing and he wound up peeing in his boot.
That’s one squelchy step for a man…
18.THE GOVERNMENT IS AFRAID OF PANIC
If there’s one thing that science fiction has taught us, it’s that when faced with the possibility of extraterrestrial threat, the human race will tend to react in a unified manner. Unified, bat-crap crazy panic, possibly with a nice side of cannibalism. Hell, in real life, our species acts in that fashion when faced with the defeat of a sports team.
Gordon Cooper, former NASA astronaut and the face that UFO-philes point enthusiastically at when asked for evidence of extraterrestrial visitation, revealed that the government has been keeping aliens under wraps for this very reason.
Now, Cooper makes a lot of claims about UFOs, and if he weren’t a former astronaut, his credibility would be about as valuable as xxxxxx. But spaceman Cooper, who has also worked with the CIA, in an interview in 1995, revealed that the government cover-up we all assumed was happening (while adjusting our tin foil hats) is in fact a reality. When discussing a extraterrestrial landing that occurred in 1951, Cooper said, “I happen to know that the authorities did everything they could to keep this incident from the press and TV, just to prevent a panicky reaction.”
17.THE POPE KNOWS EVERYTHING!
Edgar Mitchell was the sixth man to walk on the moon – and no-one’s suggesting he was getting Armstrong’s sloppy seconds (more like slightly grubby sixths). Before he died in 2016, he made it something of a personal mission to out everything he could think of surrounding aliens…stuff that, once again, would sound crazy coming from anyone who hadn’t floated in a vacuum, sucking on vast quantities of artificially generated oxygen.
One of these topics of discussion revolved around one of only two men in the world who’s name can be suffixed by the word “mobile”. In an email to then-president Bill Clinton’s advisor, John Podesta, Mitchell wrote, “The Pope has knowledge of aliens out there who want to help humanity.”
Turns out he’s not talking to the same man who lives upstairs that Catholics think he is. At least these ones probably don’t mind if you use contraception.
16.UFO TRACKING IS A REAL LIFE JOB
Joseph A. Walker. Astronaut, test pilot, fierce proponent of the Stetson. Also, there exists no photo in which the man doesn’t look like a genuine badass. Go on, go look, we’ll wait.
Walker was NASA’s seventh astronaut, and was probably not the first only because they were reluctant to let him ride the rocket like a bucking bronco.
Appropriately enough, in 1962 he revealed that he had possibly the most awesome job aside from “extraterrestrial ray gun tester”: UFO spotter. During a fifty-fifty high flight in 1962 he estimated that he filmed five or six UFOs, though he refused to speculate on their nature. To date this footage has not been released to the public.
15.ARMS IN SPACE!
There are things you probably don’t really want to see when you’re floating around in the black void of space; zombies, Donald Trump, zombie Donald Trump. While it would probably be every astronaut’s dream to see an extraterrestrial craft, they likely wouldn’t want to see one with appendages reaching out from it. That crap is just terrifying to think of.
But NASA astronauts Ed White and James McDevitt revealed that in 1965, while they were drifting over Hawaii in the Gemini spacecraft, they spotted not just your standard UFO, but one that had mechanical arms sticking out from it.
McDevitt took footage of the object with a cine-camera, but once again NASA haven’t released it. Why is everyone leaking celebrity sex tapes, but no-one’s leaking any of this hardcore alien action?
14.MISSION CONTROL ASSUMES ASTRONAUTS ARE IDIOTS
We’re used to NASA, or some kind of shadowy government organization working NASA’s puppet strings, treating we mere civilians like the morons it thinks we are. That’s par for the course, no shock there. They might be right too, we made the Kardashians cultural icons, we can’t be relied upon to make intelligent observations.
But you would have thought they at the very least would treat their astronauts, the people who go through years of training to be elite space sailors, as though they might know what they’re talking about.
In 1965 Jim Lovell saw a UFO during their second orbit. When he reported it to mission control, they questioned his sighting, asking if he was actually seeing a discarded booster. Lovell advised them he could see the booster too, and somehow refrained from telling them he knew the difference between a booster and a f*$@&!g UFO.
Maybe they mistook Lovell for Forest Gump Tom Hanks instead of Apollo 13 Hanks. Rookie mistake.
13.WE DON’T KNOW WHERE ALIENS COME FROM
This one might be our fault for making assumptions. We can blame the movies too. You see, every piece of alien fiction where we go off in search of alien planets/technology/women-to-teach-how-to-make-love those in charge of the missions seem to have some idea of where the aliens call home. We’ve been safe in the knowledge that, even though they won’t admit it to us, the government knows that the aliens come from Alpha Laheugo IX or something, out there in the Crustacean system…whatever, the point is, they’ve made contact, and we know.
We don’t bloody know!
This revelation comes from our friend Edgar Mitchell, who when speaking to Britain’s Kerrang Radio said, “Have we been able to identify where the other planets are? No. Certainly not in our solar system.”
But who could blame extraterrestrials for not giving us their address? After all, would you really want earth people showing up at your planet, asking if you’ve “heard the good news”?
12.ALIENS VISIT GERMANY
Perhaps we’ve just been conditioned to think that aliens just mostly visit America. Or at least, they seem to crash there. Maybe America is just the extraterrestrial equivalent of the precarious mountain routes where drunk teenagers have drift road races. Either way, it seems that the wee green fellas like to take a trip to Germany too.
While NASA astronaut Gordon Cooper was stationed in Germany in 1953, he was apparently subjected to frequent UFO sightings. In an interview in 1988, he said he would see strange metallic saucer-shaped objects in the sky for consecutive nights, and that they certainly weren’t indigenous to earth.
See, everyone loves bratwurst.
11.ALIENS VISIT US GOVERNMENT FACILITIES
Usually the only people who willingly go to visit the government are lobbyists for the tobacco industry. Because, seriously, they don’t seem to be of much use to anyone else.
Well, except extraterrestrials.
Our pal Gordon Cooper, in a letter he wrote to the UN requesting the release of covered up information on UFOs, described how he had himself seen an extraterrestrial being just casually being brought into a government facility. You know, like every other Tuesday.
There’s no information as to exactly what the aliens are doing on government facilities, probably restocking the vending machines, or cleaning the toilets. You know, the menial jobs the government usually reserves for aliens.
10.LINES OF LIGHTS
There are various reasons a person might see lines of lights – a reflection in the window, migraines, LSD flashbacks. But when you see them in space, there are considerably fewer alternative explanations to an actual, straight up, real-life line of lights.
That’s what NASA astronaut Leroy Chiao said he saw when he was out on a spacewalk in 2005.
“I saw some lights that seemed to be in a line, and it was like an upside down check mark, and I saw them fly by.”
So what was it Chiao saw while out on his spacewalk? We don’t know about you, but we’ll take that check mark as a sign from the aliens that they approve of Leroy’s superior spacewalking. Nice job, Leroy.
9.THE ROCK ROBBER
We all have that dark side of us, the part that leans in close to our brain and whispers, “Hey, that sleeping person would look great with demonic horns super glued to their forehead”. Most of us don’t act on those wicked thoughts. But then there are those of us who go a little too far and convince our friend they are the actual real life devil.
Thad Roberts was the guy that went a bit too far.
In 2001 Roberts was accepted into NASA’s elite astronaut co-op program. Unlike most of the others on the program, however, Roberts was flat broke.
But he quickly made a name for himself as a rebel, a risk taker, sneaking into the space shuttle simulator for unofficial rides, and suchlike. When he saw 842 lbs of moon rocks – worth about $21m – just sitting in a laboratory safe, unused and ignored, he decided he was gonna put them to some use.
However, the buyer Roberts lined up got suspicious as to their legality and contacted the FBI, like a filthy narc. They investigated the case and promptly jailed him for 100 months.
In 2012 Roberts revealed his dual motives: love and science. He had fallen hard for a fellow program attendee, and felt that together the funds from the sale of the rocks could help them make beautiful, cutting edge science discoveries together. How sweet.
8.NASA IS OKAY WITH CRASHES
NASA has a reputation for being kinda strict about who it decides can be thrown into space at terrifying speeds. It has high standards, which you would sort of expect from an organization that routinely puts members of our idiot species at the controls of vehicles worth hundreds of millions of dollars.
One of the things you would expect to be high up on NASA’s list of potential pilot candidates is that said astronaut in no way has the potential to make the vehicle plummet to it’s doom.
Turns out, they’re kinda relaxed about that.
In a 2016 documentary about his life, Eugene Cernan revealed that NASA has no real qualms about guys who are a little free and easy with their collisions. According to Cernan, in 1971 just two weeks before Apollo 14 launched – for which Cernan was selected as backup commander – he crashed a helicopter. He figured he’d screwed up his chances, but NASA called him to express the equivalent of a “meh” – the job was still his if he wanted it.
A year later he flew to the moon, and is to date the last man to step foot on it.
7.ALIENS ARE ANTI-NUCLEAR WAR
With relatively few exceptions, we can agree that most of us are pretty firmly against the nuclear apocalypse, right? Sure, there are a few morons among us, perhaps with an orange tint to their skin, that have their tiny hands hovering above the button, desperate to press it at a moment’s provocation. But for the most part, we’re anti-nuclear.
Turns out, the aliens are too.
Our good friend and all-round extraterrestrial campaign cheerleader, Edgar Mitchell revealed in his email to John Podesta that the aliens are so staunchly against the threat of nuclear war, that they’ve gone so far as to actually shoot test missiles out of the sky.
At least somebody’s looking out for us. Or maybe they have a more sinister plan for us…we for one welcome our new alien overlords and their program of indentured servitude.
6.POLLUTION IS WORRYINGLY VISIBLE
Much as there are those in power that are reluctant to admit it, we are basically screwing up the planet we live on. Honestly, we’ve spent centuries looking around us, thinking – my, what a lovely rock that we’re hurtling through the cosmos clinging to the surface of, let’s see how many ways we can beat the shit out of it.
While the affects of pollution are evident in climate change, and even down to our day-to-day breathing in of toxic miasmas, it would seem that it can also be viewed from quite a distance above.
In 2016, astronaut Scott Kelly after having spent a year in space, revealed that he could see how incredibly polluted India and China were from his position peering out of a porthole in the ISS.
Scott said that there was a single day in his entire year in space that he could actually see China clearly – and it turned out that was the day the authorities turned off it’s vast collection of industrial machinery to celebrate a public holiday.
5.CARL SAGAN WAS PART OF A COVER-UP
Carl Sagan is a goddamned hero. Not your run-of-the-mill American hero, no. A superstar universal king of the bloody cosmos type hero. Who doesn’t hear that voice and think, “This guy is my own personal Jesus”?
Well, brace yourselves for a shocker. Because it would seem that Carl Sagan was part of the extraterrestrial cover-up! Gasp (cue fainting)!
Dr. Brian O’Leary, a former NASA astronaut, was invited to teach at Cornell University by none other than Carl Sagan. Which is a bit like being recruited for…no…there’s no analogy worthy of that particular honor. O’Leary worked closely with Sagan in the Planetary Science Department of Cornell.
In an interview, however, O’Leary revealed that Sagan purposefully fudged data – including the famous face on Mars to make it look less face-like – with the intention of steering the public away from the truth about extraterrestrial life.
Say it ain’t so!
However, speculation is rife that Sagan was an integral part of making contact with alien life, and released his novel “Contact” as an underhanded way of revealing the truth.
4.YOUR BRAIN SHRINKS IN SPACE
This one is less of a confession by the astronauts themselves, but by their brains. That’s right, NASA’s elite have had their brains rise up against them and make confessions to other scientists. It’s true, your brain is always conspiring against you.
Obviously it’s routine for those spending periods in space to have their bodies monitored. It’s important to know how space affects us so that we can build more effective exo-suits for the coming fight against Xenomorphs, right?
Well, in early 2017 a report was published showing that spending time in space actually physically shrinks your grey matter. The shrinkage was most prominent – between 10-15% decrease of volume – in the prefrontal and insular regions of those astronauts tested.
Which is a complex way of saying, space is conspiring against your damn brain.
3.A SPACE WAR IS COMING
We all knew it was a distinct possibility. Hell, ever since we were kids we whipped out our makeshift lightsabers and begun our training for the inevitable space opera that our future was undoubtedly going to become. Your powers are weak old man, etc., etc. But it would seem that something is definitely brewing in the dark reaches of space that we’re just not prepared for.
Edgar Mitchell – who should by now have a fanfare every time his name is mentioned – revealed in an email to Bill Clinton’s aide John Podesta that there is a “space war” imminent. That’s right, a genuine NASA astronaut has confirmed that aliens are gearing up for a throw down.
It’s unclear what form this war will take, or who is fighting it, but Mitchell warned that we are unprepared for it, and the public needs to be better informed to become part of the universal community.
One thing is certain about a war between alien species: whoever wins, we lose.
We know what space sounds like. It sounds like John Williams conducting a vast orchestra with the kind of dramatic flare that makes you pee yourself just a little bit every time you hear it. Yes?
Well, as it turns out, there really is some kind of soundtrack to space.
In May of 1969, while the Apollo 10 mission was out there in the cosmos, Gene Cernan began to hear what he described as “outer space music” in his ears. He asked fellow astronaut John Young if he could also hear the strange whistling sounds, to which Young replied that he could, and that it was really weird and “Nobody is going to believe us”.
What’s also slightly odd is that the music only occurred when the astronauts were at the far side of the moon. So, have at it conspiracy nuts – did the music come from a rave on the dark-side alien Moon base?
1.ZERO POINT ENERGY
We all hate paying our electricity bills. It sucks. When that letter comes through the door each month reminding you that you spend too many hours during peak time running Tesla coils in your garage, you let out a cry of anguish asking why haven’t the aliens freed us from this nightmare.
Dude, they’re trying.
According to Edgar Mitchell (fanfare), extraterrestrials that are benevolent in nature (sure they are) really want to give us the secret to something called Zero Point Energy – which is a cool-sounding name that doesn’t sound at all like something quantum physicists made up after an all night Star Trek binge. This is apparently a method of extracting and using free energy gleaned from empty space.
Problem is, they’re afraid of our violent tendencies and won’t give it to us unless we prove that we won’t use it for warmongering.
We could always just threaten them with nuclear weapons…oh, wait.