Hello, hi, yes, hello. We’ve all seen this, right? This story in the New York Fucking Times about the Pentagon’s $22 million Oh Shit There Might Be Aliens program? We’ve all read it? We’ve all engaged with the evidence within the story, written in part by two journalists who have won Pulitzer Prizes for the New York Fucking Times, that suggests oh shit there might be aliens?

Good! I’m glad we’ve all seen the story. My question now is: What the fuck are we even doing right now? How are we all just going about our work on a Monday morning after seeing video—which was not taken by some yokel with a cell phone but by the ultra-sophisticated systems of a Super Hornet—of an extremely weird flying object speeding through our skies? How are we doing so after reading this testimonial from one of the pilots who encountered the object?

Hovering 50 feet above the churn was an aircraft of some kind — whitish — that was around 40 feet long and oval in shape. The craft was jumping around erratically, staying over the wave disturbance but not moving in any specific direction, Commander Fravor said. The disturbance looked like frothy waves and foam, as if the water were boiling.

Hahaha. Hahahahahah. Boy, isn’t that strange? What do you think the unidentified craft was doing out there on the ocean? Did you also see the part about the mysterious alloys that have been recovered by our government?

Under Mr. Bigelow’s direction, the company modified buildings in Las Vegas for the storage of metal alloys and other materials that Mr. Elizondo and program contractors said had been recovered from unidentified aerial phenomena. Researchers also studied people who said they had experienced physical effects from encounters with the objects and examined them for any physiological changes.

Ahhhhhhh. Hahahaha. [begins to sweat] The alloys! There are just … alloys. The alloys are sitting in a facility in Las Vegas and we cannot identify what they are made out of. Look, here is one of the authors of the Times piece on MSNBC reiterating that the United States Government cannot determine what these alloys are:

So they just, uh, [sweating a lot more now] don’t know what’s going on with the alloys. They don’t know. The alloys are just sitting there, possibly causing physical reactions in people who have come into contact with them. These alloys sound pretty serious. The military seems to be taking these alloys very seriously:

A 2009 Pentagon briefing summary of the program prepared by its director at the time asserted that “what was considered science fiction is now science fact,” and that the United States was incapable of defending itself against some of the technologies discovered. Mr. Reid’s request for the special designation was denied.

[Sweating so profusely that I am now sitting in a puddle of my own anxiety] It’s Monday morning and I’m just going about my day!